


'Cause I'm In Charge

by DizzyRedhead



Category: Fantastic Four (Movies 2005-2007), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Captain America For A Day, Fluff and Crack, Gen, I Blame Tumblr, Randomness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 01:17:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4727300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DizzyRedhead/pseuds/DizzyRedhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America is incommunicado chasing after The Winter Soldier, and public confidence is taking a nose-dive. Hill and Coulson are forced to take Desperate Measures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	'Cause I'm In Charge

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Tumblr. No, really. There I was, going on almost a month of serious writer's block (due at least in part to some personal life stuff) and then [this gifset pops up on Tumblr. ](http://dizzy-redhead.tumblr.com/post/128178970040/falcon-fox-and-coyote-cilntasha-i-justi) And the wheels started turning. Many thanks to Mcgregorswench, Aenaria, Lady-Cheeky, Meri, and everyone else who liked, reblogged, and otherwise encouraged this piece of ridiculousness.
> 
> I did not tag Steve/Darcy because the relationship is only referenced/implied; they're never "on-screen" together.

“Anything interesting happen while I was gone?” Steve asked as he stepped out of the plane. He flinched back from Natasha’s glare.

“Next time you decide to spend eight months chasing down your undead boyfriend, Rogers,” she finally said, “answer your damn phone.”

* * *

  **Three Months Earlier**

The fact that the halls of the New Avengers facility were mysteriously empty as she stalked through them further soured Maria's already horrible mood. By the time she reached the operations center, she was radiating cold displeasure to such an extent that several of the staff made abortive motions toward the door before settling reluctantly back into their seats.

"Talk to me," she said crisply, making an effort not to bite off her words.

"Director Coulson is on the line," a communications tech said, practically sitting at attention in her chair and visibly relieved to have something positive to report.

Maria nodded briskly at her and, within seconds, the Avengers logo on the wall screen was replaced with Coulson's face, his expression equally grim.

"Any change?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Widow, Scarlet Witch, and War Machine are on the scene, but the media speculation on Cap's whereabouts has gotten to the point where MSNBC is actually hinting that he might be dead. Nobody's come out and actually said it yet, and Fox News is still insisting that he'll come 'if he's needed,' but if we don't get on top of this, there could be nationwide panic. The stock market dropped thirty points in the last two days."

"This is a hell of a time for him to fall off the grid," Coulson said, his forehead furrowing. "There's been no sign that he was actually taken out?"

"No, he notified us before he went radio silent. Apparently he had some evidence that Barnes was using the communications to pinpoint his location and evade him more easily," Maria said. "That was a month ago. He's left messages in dead drops, so we know he's still alive, but given modern transportation, he could be literally anywhere."

Coulson rubbed his temples. "Well, we can't let this speculation continue unchecked. The people need to see Captain America alive and well and leading his team."

"Neat trick if you can pull it off," Maria snapped. "I don't happen to have a spare Steve Rogers locked in a closet around here, so unless there's something you're not telling me about your collection, I think we're screwed, Coulson."

"Not a spare Steve Rogers," Coulson said, smiling humorlessly. "But--"

"Oh, no," Maria shook her head. "No, no, no, and no. Absolutely not. There is no way I'm letting that oversexed walking ego anywhere near one of my operations."

"We may not have a choice," Coulson said. "Unless you'd like to have to pull the country out of another recession when we haven't recovered from the first one. Sometimes--" his mouth twisted like he was tasting something unpleasant "--sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good."

Maria closed her eyes and inhaled slowly through her nose. She opened them again and lifted a fist toward the camera pickup.

Coulson raised his own fist and the entire operations team pretended not to look as their boss and the Director of SHIELD played best-two-out-of-three rock, paper, scissors.

Maria swore bitterly in Farsi when Coulson threw rock to her scissors in the final round, and every staffer in the room flinched. "Fine, I'll call him. But you're on the hook for this op; we need a Cap expert to make him believable, and you're it."

Coulson's mouth pressed into a thin line, but he nodded. "Call me when you're ready; I'll make sure I'm available."

He cut the connection, the screen returning to its normal holding pattern. Maria allowed herself one last calming breath before turning back to the wide-eyed comm tech.

"I need to talk to Johnny Storm."

* * *

Natasha stopped "Cap" with a hand to the middle of his chest before he could exit the Quinjet.

Johnny smirked down at her from under the cowl. "Time for a good-luck kiss?" he asked.

Natasha smiled back at him, her gaze flat and deadly. "You’re going to do exactly what Coulson and I tell you to."

"And if I don't?" he asked, smirk still firmly in place.

She shrugged. "It'd be a shame if my foot happened to hit your crotch in the middle of combat, but accidents happen."

Johnny hunched over a little, hands crossing instinctively in front of his groin.

Natasha gave him her most lethal smile. "It's a small target, but I've hit smaller." She turned to walk out. "Showtime."

Johnny straightened his shoulders, pulled his replica shield ("It's only titanium, so don't throw it too hard," Coulson had admonished) off the harness, and did his best "you _better_ run" strut down the Quinjet ramp. At least he got  a hell of a view.

"And stop looking at my ass," Natasha ordered without turning around.

Johnny’s gaze shot upward so fast he got dizzy.

* * *

"Quit playing for the cameras," Coulson ordered. "The real Cap doesn't even notice they're there."

"Fine," Johnny sighed, turning back toward Natasha, gesturing broadly as though explaining a battle plan. "So I think we should go punch these guys in the face and then after, whaddya say you and me get to know each other a little better? Maybe figure out if Cap's a better kisser than me? Not that he would be. Too much time without practicing, those skills just fade away."

Natasha nodded as if agreeing with him. "Even when I was a brainwashed teenage assassin I had better taste than that. Hit on me again and I'll make sure you won't be able to jerk off for months."

"Mister Storm, if you don't stop sexually harassing Agent Romanoff, I'll let her," Coulson added. "Now go punch those guys in the face."

* * *

 "Not bad," Natasha allowed as Johnny bounced the shield off three goons before catching it again.

He shrugged and punched another goon in the face. "Ultimate Frisbee."

Natasha rolled her eyes. 

* * *

“No interviews!” Coulson said sharply as Johnny turned toward the cluster of reporters who’d been inching closer as the number of goons were whittled down.

“Aww, c’mon,” Johnny whined. “I was just gonna give ‘em a quote or two. I promise I won’t say anything Cap wouldn’t say.”

Coulson’s sigh was heavy enough that it probably could’ve been heard even without SHIELD-issue comm equipment. “No. Interviews.”

Johnny pouted and Natasha suddenly developed a very credible limp, subtly steering him away from the reporters under the guise of letting him support her weight. “Man, you’re no fun!” 

* * *

“SHIELD thanks you for your assistance,” Coulson said wearily as they finally trooped back onto the Quinjet.

Johnny slouched back into his seat. “Anytime, dude. It was kinda fun, getting to pretend to be somebody else. Shame I couldn’t use my fire, though. I woulda cleared those guys out in no time.”

“I’m sure you’re correct,” Coulson said, somehow managing not to sound as if he were in physical pain. “Nevertheless, you were...a great help today. We’ll make sure the Quinjet is seen returning to the New Avengers facility and from there we’ll arrange discreet transportation to return you to the Baxter Building.” The earbud pinged softly to signal the closed connection.

“Home, Jeeves,” Johnny said, waving a hand airily at Natasha.

She stared at him for a long moment, and just when he was starting to think about all the ways she could make sure they’d never find the body, she smiled at him before turning back to the Quinjet controls.

It was not a reassuring smile.

Johnny was very quiet for the entire flight.

* * *

By the time they landed at the New Avengers airfield, though, the sudden outbreak of common sense had worn off. Johnny was bored. They’d made him give back the outfit, and when he started idly snapping his fingers and letting the little flames dance across his knuckles, a nozzle extended from the wall and sprayed his hand with fire-suppressant foam. Johnny wiped his hand off as best he could on the borrowed SHIELD sweatpants, craning his neck to try to get a look at Natasha’s phone screen.

“Hot date?” he said snidely, trying to figure out why he was practically running to keep up with her even though she was almost a foot shorter than he was.

She smiled at her screen before making the phone magically disappear somewhere on her person. “Something like that. Let’s find your transport. The sooner you’re on your way home, the sooner my blood pressure goes back to normal.”

“Aww, I knew we had something special,” Johnny said. “How about---”

“STEVE!” someone shrieked at earsplitting volume, and the next thing Johnny knew, he had a curvy brunette wrapped around him. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back? I missed you so much!!!”

Johnny shifted his hands up to the stranger’s waist after Natasha’s glare made him aware that they’d instinctively landed on a very nice ass. “Um, sorry---” Natasha left him hanging for a minute, but finally rolled her eyes and mouthed “Darcy” “--Darcy, it was kinda sudden. I missed you, too, but I’m here now.”

“Well, you’ve got perfect timing,” Darcy said brightly, sliding down until her feet were on the floor and then wrapping her arm through his to tug him further down the hall. “My parents are visiting! You know they’ve been wanting to meet you for ages, but we just couldn’t make it with your schedule. But now you can!!!”

Johnny tried to dig in his heels, to no avail. Darcy, whoever she was, was deceptively strong, and Natasha just watched, smirking at him. “Wait, wait, what? Your parents?”

Darcy smiled back at him, still towing him along. “Don’t worry, baby, they’re going to love you! Who wouldn’t be happy that their daughter’s engaged to Captain America?”

“Engaged?” Johnny squeaked, his voice climbing at least a full octave.

“This really is perfect timing, though.” Darcy continued, blithely ignoring him. “We should go ahead and set a date so Mom and I can start planning the wedding. I’m okay with a long engagement, but I want to get started! I have so many ideas!!! It’s going to be perfect. But of course, I’m going to want to know what you think. I want you involved in every step. It is going to be your wedding too, after all!”

“I---But---I’m not--” Johnny stuttered. He looked over at Natasha and mouthed “help!”, but she just smiled and gave him a little fingertip wave as Darcy shoved him through a door.

In his panic, it took Johnny a minute to realize that instead of a room with waiting parents, he was standing in a garage. Darcy dropped the bubbly airhead act in favor of a face that would do Natasha proud. Johnny found himself protecting his groin again, even though he wasn’t sure what he’d done. This time.

“There’s a driver to take you back to the Baxter Building,” Darcy said flatly, gesturing at the nearest SUV. “Hopefully we won’t need your help again, but if we do, and if you do _anything_ to embarrass my boyfriend or if you keep harassing my friends, I will make sure that every major media outlet, plus Tumblr, gets copies of the photos and videos from your middle-school MySpace page. Are we clear?”

Johnny nodded jerkily.

“Good,” Darcy said, turning on her heel and walking back out the door.

* * *

**Three months later**

“Steve Rogers,” Steve said, offering his hand reflexively. “You must be Johnny Storm.”

“Aka the Human Torch,” Johnny said, cocky grin firmly in place. “I see my reputation precedes me.”

Steve shook his head, still a little weirded out by the stranger wearing...well, not _his_ face, exactly, but something very close to it. “I hear I have you to thank for keeping things together while I was gone.”

“Glad to help,” Johnny said expansively. He glanced around and leaned closer, lowering his voice. “Between you and me, though, dude? Your girlfriend is scary.”

“I know,” Steve said, smiling widely. “It’s great.”

“It was kinda hot,” Johnny agreed.

Steve smiled dreamily. “Yeah.”

They stood for a few moments before Johnny broke the contemplative silence.

“Hey, you think I’ve got a shot with Romanoff?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> There may eventually be an epilogue or another version featuring Bucky. I can't decide. We'll see if the muse decides to cooperate.


End file.
